“Norman, it seems like there are so many people around me who are in a bad mood, unmotivated, or constantly whining. It’s really getting on my nerves,” my friend Massimo begins our conversation on Wednesday evening. “Do you want some advice?” I ask him. He nodes. “Before you meet someone, ask yourself how you feel on a scale from 1 (terrible) to 10 (awesome). Let’s say you’re at a 7. Then you go to the meeting. And afterward, ask yourself again—how do I feel after spending time with this person? If it’s still a 7, it might have been nice, but it didn’t do much for you. I want to enjoy the things I do. If the 7 has risen to an 8 or 9, then meet with that person more often. However, if the 7 has dropped to a 5 or 4, I would limit contact. After all, who wants to waste their precious time with others who end up ruining your mood?”
This made me realize once again that every conversation, every meeting, and everything you do at any given moment always pursues a goal. And it’s exclusively a goal that brings you something immediately or in the future. “No, Norman. I do it out of love for others and…” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to think that too. Your love for others is almost certainly there so that you feel seen. Or you feel needed. Or you feel loved. Or whatever. There’s a beautiful quote by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe that I heard today, which fits perfectly:
“You can judge the true character of a person by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”
And I absolutely agree with Johann on this. People from whom we cannot derive any benefit for our very obvious or hidden desires often go unnoticed. We simply don’t perceive them. Or do you walk through the shopping street and look everyone in the eye as if they were your absolute favorite person? Usually not. You do your thing. Until someone you know comes along. We stop for the boss because he’s important for our career. We stop for the employee because he’s important for achieving our goals. We’re also friendly to the policeman because he can make our life difficult. And so on.
We humans are very selective, and there’s always a good reason behind every contact for ourselves. Even when we tell the world that we’re doing something completely selflessly for someone else. What is the benefit you gain from it? Take a close look. Because you can learn a lot about yourself and your sometimes hidden drives and desires in the process. Why do you meet certain people? Why do you go to work? Why do you avoid certain people or events? What do you gain from one thing, and what do you protect yourself from in other matters that you avoid?
Massimo and I talked about this interesting topic all evening. And the next morning, he sent me a WhatsApp message:
“Hi Norman, went in at a 7, came out at a 10…🔥 Thanks for that. See you soon.” Great. Another heart positively changed. He got something for himself, and I’m glad that my ideas and inspirations were well received and had a positive effect. It seems we both got what we (consciously or unconsciously) wanted: a better feeling.
I’m curious to see what you notice about yourself on this topic in the coming days.
