When was the last time you had an argument with someone? And would you like to know how you can avoid most arguments from now on? Because it's actually quite simple once you understand where the solution lies—before the argument even begins.
A few days ago, I met up with a good friend. “Oh my God, my wife and I had so much stress a few weeks ago.” I listened with curiosity. “My wife had just started a new business, and there was an article about it in the local newspaper. Her very first one. On the day it was published, we were about 30 kilometers away from home, and the article only appeared in our regional edition. But hey, being the man of the world that I am, I had everything organized. Three friends and family members were all buying the newspaper that day. Problem solved.”
I nodded, smiled, and asked: “Problem solved?” “Well... almost. Because my wife suddenly made a huge fuss about us having to drive to a gas station and buy the newspaper ourselves. I said, ‘Honey, three people are already buying it. I've taken care of everything. I'm certainly not driving 30 kilometers just to buy a newspaper we'll have three copies of tomorrow anyway.’ Well... after that, there was complete silence. And all hell broke loose.”
I had to laugh. Because haven't we all experienced situations like that? And now here's the interesting question: What was the argument really about? The newspaper? Or something completely different? From the outside, we often see things through a different lens. Let's take a closer look.
If the newspaper itself had been the issue, there wouldn't have been an argument in the first place. After all, three people had already bought it. Was it about her wanting to buy the newspaper herself? No. That wasn't it either. And that's exactly where the key lies.
Very often, we communicate something that is merely a means to an end. As a result, the other person doesn't understand what we truly want. Often because we can't fully put it into words ourselves. It was never about owning the newspaper. Nor was it about buying it personally. So what was it really about? Any idea?
Exactly. She wanted to stand there at the gas station holding the newspaper open, shining like the brightest sun. And ideally, her husband would look over her shoulder and say: “Honey, I'm so proud of you.” Then give her a big hug and treat her for the rest of the day as if she were the most important and famous person in the world. So the argument was never about the newspaper. It was about what the newspaper represented. It was about being seen. Being heard. Being respected. And it was about having that happen today. Not tomorrow. Today. Right now.
And here's the fascinating part: Most people don't argue about the newspaper, the dishes, or the delayed text message. They argue about the feeling behind it. The feeling of not being seen. Not being heard. Not being important. Or simply because they want to feel: "You matter to me." And that's exactly why many discussions never solve the real issue. Because both people keep talking about the newspaper while the real topic is something entirely different.
So find out what the other person truly wants in that moment. Not what they're saying. But what's underneath it. The next time a conversation starts heading toward an argument, ask yourself: "What does this person really want?" Not: "What are they saying?" But: "What's behind it?"
Here are three simple tips:
1. Ask directly: "What do you really want?" It may be that the other person can't put it into words yet and continues talking about the newspaper.
2. Step into their shoes. Ask yourself: "If I were this person and wanted what they want, why would it be so important to me?" Very often, you'll find the answer right there.
3. And if you still can't figure it out... Simply do what the other person is asking for. Even if it doesn't make sense to you in that moment. Why? Because you'll get to experience firsthand what it was really about. You'll usually discover what someone truly wanted the moment they receive it. What happens when she finally holds the newspaper in her hands? I can guarantee she won't just throw it unread onto the back seat. Watch carefully. Pay attention to what happens next. Then join in. Do what you believe that person is really longing for in that moment. Do they want to be seen? Heard? Respected?
As I said, this is much easier to see from the outside than when you're stressed yourself. Because the moment something triggers you and you become convinced that you're right and the other person is wrong, you're operating in fight-or-flight mode. And in that state, there are only two options: "I'm right." Or: "Run away." Your sensitivity, empathy, and often even your logic become far less available in that moment. So take a step back. Take a breath. And then try again.
The next time you're in an argument, maybe simply ask yourself: "What's this really about?" Because very often, that's exactly where the solution is.
Have fun trying it out.
